After losing those 50 pounds, I went on to lose 30 more. That's 80 lbs altogether, folks, and even now I can't believe it. I was fitter than I had ever been in my life and that includes when I played hockey for nine years. In non-scale victories, I ran two 5ks and came 7th in the second race. I was really proud of what I could lift and squat at the gym. The best of all was that I had several people in my life tell me that I had inspired them to make changes to their own health and fitness. However, my anxiety and depression was at an all-time high and things took a turn for the worse.
The quick version of this part of the story is that, as a result of my struggle with mental health, I got too skinny and too focused on making sure that what I was eating was healthy. So much so that my entire obsession with this part of my life became unhealthy. After I got some help and recovered, I got back on track. I did the best I could but having little self-control while working in a restaurant as well as grieving a miscarriage caused me to gain some of the weight back. I wasn't too worried about it and was just so relieved to be mentally sound again that I was enjoying every minute of everything else in my life again. It was good for me to step back and take a break. I continued to eat well but didn't obsess.
Along came Clementine. I tried as hard as any pregnant lady can to keep her diet in check. I was even running for a bit but eventually, first trimester exhausting kept me down and I just tapped out all together. I looked quite a bit better overall than I had in my previous pregnancies but by the end, I still packed on weight like no other, felt so broken-down, and was discouraged by even the most elderly of elderly ladies whizzing past my lumbering self on the sidewalk. The number on the scale was surprisingly similar as well to my other (considerably less healthy) pregnancies, but I guess there is a lot of truth to the numbers holding less meaning than your actual body composition. Anyway, of course Clementine was worth every single pound and every grannyesque hip-pain. After Clementine, true to my usual annoyance, I didn't lose hardly any weight at all initially. Basically, once the baby was out, the rest of it just stayed. And stayed. Small amounts dropped off but I think breastfeeding might have been hindering the process rather than helping, the way the wise sages say it does. Once she started to eat solids and was nursing less, the pounds started to come off with consistent exercise. Just before Christmas, I tried on my old pre-pregnancy clothes - the biggest size though, not nearly the fit size I had been previously. I did a really attractive dance around my house when they actually fit! I was making progress! Then Christmas hit. I probably gained back 5 lbs in Nanaimo bars alone - we won't speak of the shortbread - and definitely didn't gain any strength except in my arm, shoveling food into my mouth.
So, here I am! With my New Year's resolution to wake-up before my children to get those workouts in (I know, I'm laughing at me too.) I have lost just over 40 pounds so far. I've given myself Clementine's April birthday as a deadline to be back at my high-average weight (at least 15 lbs to go) and to have some strength back. This may seem ridiculous but I thrive under pressure! It's been very discouraging to have worked so very hard and to be right back where I started. I miss how quickly I used to be able to move, how much I could lift, and wearing jeans instead of leggings (let's not talk about that). At the risk of sounding like a motivational speaker, something that keeps me going is knowing that every day is an opportunity to move myself closer my goals, even if it's only a little bit. Consistency and small changes really are everything.
I'm sure a lot of people are probably thinking I'm too focused on the scale but for me, the scale isn't discouraging; it's motivating. When I get to the point where most of the weight is off, I will be focusing more on muscle and strength goals, but I'm a long way from that point. I would also like to note that, for me, losing weight is something that is part of my overall health and fitness. There is a lot of pressure on women to get their "pre-baby body" back and I'm here to tell you that that ain't ever gonna happen for the majority, nor does it need to if that's not your thing. I work out and try my best to live a healthy lifestyle because:
- It keeps my anxiety and depression at bay. - It means taking time for myself. - I love the challenge. - I love the example it sets for my kids. - I have more energy. - I love the gym and I love lifting! There. I said it. - I feel like crap when I eat badly. - I'm young. If I give up now, I don't even want to see where I'll be in fifty years. Some of my grandparents kept up a very active lifestyle into their eighties. I've always admired that. They were able to come to the beach with us and give back to their community by volunteering. - I (shallowly) love shopping and clothes and this is a much easier thing to love when you are a good ol' size medium or small. - I gain so much weight during pregnancy that if I didn't lose it, with every pregnancy I would be creeping closer and closer to having to have a forklift move me around
There you have it. I feel like myself when I am in shape and that first step towards that is weight-loss. With all of that said, here is the first quick fit tip (note to self: come up with a better name) for the day, focused on smacking those diets back into reality after the eating marathon that is the holidays. The number one thing that helps me with my diet is....
Don't buy it. Just don't. Walk past that icecream aisle. Tell that white bread you're over him. Stick your nose in the air at those chips. I have learned that my self-control extends to the grocery store and that is all. Once it's in my house, all it takes is a couple of my kid's tantrums and I'm eating my frustration in the form of something that tastes like chocolate with peanut butter. When I'm in the grocery store, armed with a meal plan and a list, it's much easier to talk myself down.
Do buy a healthy substitute.This was key for me. It doesn't work to go home and just say, "No more bad food for me! My body is a temple!" You're going to get cravings because probably you are human, although I'm sure there is an evolved monkey or two reading this post. Try to figure out what you're craving, seek out alternatives, and then have those alternatives on hand. You can go a long long way with small changes and that's the perfect place to start. First, try something like changing out your white bread for brown. Figure out what veggies you like and reach for those instead of a bagel. Switch out your regular milk for less fatty almond milk in your coffee. The little changes are easier to maintain and come as a habit. Extremes might work for a short time but they never hold in the long run (I could do another whole post about Why I Don't Do Cleanses or Diets, but I'll stop now.)
I could talk about this all day but I think that's enough for one sitting. I will do a post of more concrete snack ideas sometime and I'll keep posting tips and updates. This kind of thing was very helpful to me so hopefully this was encouraging to someone! It's a long and often difficult road to making a lifestyle change but it's so very worth it.
