Sorry, it's a Condition

Well, I am about ready for a good lie-down in the middle of the dirty kitchen floor. The whirlwind that is Christmas "vacation" is well underway and it feels like I haven't sat down since long before Christmas Eve. I deliberately didn't commit to any plans in advance this year, knowing how quickly the holiday break fills up, but we still have managed to be out what feels like all day, every day. I think it's time to schedule a good old-fashioned date with myself where no one is invited, pants are optional, and the agenda is absolutely nothing.

I am realizing more and more in my old age something that no one ever thought I would say about myself: I am a complete and total introvert, with a hint of shyness. Yes, it's shocking but true. I read this article and felt more enlightened than Buddha. I have suspected for a while that I might be far from extroverted, but I could never understand where my chattiness and increasing volume levels came in. I will avoid most people (please don't notice me, please don't talk to me, please don't see me ducking behind this stack of cans in the soup aisle...), phone calls and social situations like the plague, but when I get there....I can't shut up. Part of this is because I'm such an awkward weirdo that I try to fill the silent void and can't seem to stop myself, even though with every word I'm like "ok, stop now...you should really stop...cease and desist, woman!" The other half of the dilemma is that when I AM comfortable with people, I let loose and - you got it - once again, cannot shut up. So basically, I feel like I am talking all the time even though talking is something that I hate the most. Small talk, public talk, group talk, kid talk while I'm thinking, texting talk, talking while I'm driving, phone talk, email talk, Facebook talk...any communication at all really. After my lips finally close, I sink into my couch and, while I probably had the best of times, I feel more exhausted than I was when I was anticipating all of that talking. Then I resolve to never make plans or leave my house again, so as to not be put into these very confusing situations.

So, if I take a while to reply to your texts or if you can see me hiding behind the door instead of answering it, it's not personal. I'm trying to save you from my condition. You can thank me later. Probably after Valentine's Day. By then I should be ready to have a good whine about how lonely I am feeling and make way too many plans that I will instantly regret / enjoy.