Fitness Update: Trying to Escape from My Return to Square One

I hesitate to even write about health and fitness right now because anyone who sees me in real life is going to be thinking, maybe you should follow your own advice, Tara... However, real life isn't always perfect and progress definitely isn't instant. I want to share this part of my life because it has helped some of my friends and family before and because I hope to keep myself accountable. To show you that I do have a tiny bit of credibility, you can read about the start of my whole weight loss / learning about health and fitness adventure here and I'll give you a quick synopsis of what has happened since.

Before the first weight-loss journey began



After losing those 50 pounds, I went on to lose 30 more. That's 80 lbs altogether, folks, and even now I can't believe it. I was fitter than I had ever been in my life and that includes when I played hockey for nine years. In non-scale victories, I ran two 5ks and came 7th in the second race. I was really proud of what I could lift and squat at the gym. The best of all was that I had several people in my life tell me that I had inspired them to make changes to their own health and fitness. However, my anxiety and depression was at an all-time high and things took a turn for the worse.

Things were really difficult at this point...



The quick version of this part of the story is that, as a result of my struggle with mental health, I got too skinny and too focused on making sure that what I was eating was healthy. So much so that my entire obsession with this part of my life became unhealthy. After I got some help and recovered, I got back on track. I did the best I could but having little self-control while working in a restaurant as well as grieving a miscarriage caused me to gain some of the weight back. I wasn't too worried about it and was just so relieved to be mentally sound again that I was enjoying every minute of everything else in my life again. It was good for me to step back and take a break. I continued to eat well but didn't obsess.



Along came Clementine. I tried as hard as any pregnant lady can to keep her diet in check. I was even running for a bit but eventually, first trimester exhausting kept me down and I just tapped out all together. I looked quite a bit better overall than I had in my previous pregnancies but by the end, I still packed on weight like no other, felt so broken-down, and was discouraged by even the most elderly of elderly ladies whizzing past my lumbering self on the sidewalk. The number on the scale was surprisingly similar as well to my other (considerably less healthy) pregnancies, but I guess there is a lot of truth to the numbers holding less meaning than your actual body composition. Anyway, of course Clementine was worth every single pound and every grannyesque hip-pain. After Clementine, true to my usual annoyance, I didn't lose hardly any weight at all initially. Basically, once the baby was out, the rest of it just stayed. And stayed. Small amounts dropped off but I think breastfeeding might have been hindering the process rather than helping, the way the wise sages say it does. Once she started to eat solids and was nursing less, the pounds started to come off with consistent exercise. Just before Christmas, I tried on my old pre-pregnancy clothes - the biggest size though, not nearly the fit size I had been previously. I did a really attractive dance around my house when they actually fit! I was making progress! Then Christmas hit. I probably gained back 5 lbs in Nanaimo bars alone - we won't speak of the shortbread - and definitely didn't gain any strength except in my arm, shoveling food into my mouth.

This was taken Thanksgiving so I had already lost a bit of weight by this point. Just to be very clear: the pregnancy weight gain was worse than this initially!

Taken Christmas Eve in Christmas pjs. I look kind of crazy but it had been a long night and this is the only full-body picture I could find! You can see the progress though.



So, here I am! With my New Year's resolution to wake-up before my children to get those workouts in (I know, I'm laughing at me too.) I have lost just over 40 pounds so far. I've given myself Clementine's April birthday as a deadline to be back at my high-average weight (at least 15 lbs to go) and to have some strength back. This may seem ridiculous but I thrive under pressure! It's been very discouraging to have worked so very hard and to be right back where I started. I miss how quickly I used to be able to move, how much I could lift, and wearing jeans instead of leggings (let's not talk about that). At the risk of sounding like a motivational speaker, something that keeps me going is knowing that every day is an opportunity to move myself closer my goals, even if it's only a little bit. Consistency and small changes really are everything.



I'm sure a lot of people are probably thinking I'm too focused on the scale but for me, the scale isn't discouraging; it's motivating. When I get to the point where most of the weight is off, I will be focusing more on muscle and strength goals, but I'm a long way from that point. I would also like to note that, for me, losing weight is something that is part of my overall health and fitness. There is a lot of pressure on women to get their "pre-baby body" back and I'm here to tell you that that ain't ever gonna happen for the majority, nor does it need to if that's not your thing. I work out and try my best to live a healthy lifestyle because:



- It keeps my anxiety and depression at bay.

- It means taking time for myself.

- I love the challenge.

- I love the example it sets for my kids.

- I have more energy.

- I love the gym and I love lifting! There. I said it.

- I feel like crap when I eat badly.

- I'm young. If I give up now, I don't even want to see where I'll be in fifty years. Some of my grandparents kept up a very active lifestyle into their eighties. I've always admired that. They were able to come to the beach with us and give back to their community by volunteering.

- I (shallowly) love shopping and clothes and this is a much easier thing to love when you are a good ol' size medium or small.

- I gain so much weight during pregnancy that if I didn't lose it, with every pregnancy I would be creeping closer and closer to having to have a forklift move me around

There you have it. I feel like myself when I am in shape and that first step towards that is weight-loss. With all of that said, here is the first quick fit tip (note to self: come up with a better name) for the day, focused on smacking those diets back into reality after the eating marathon that is the holidays. The number one thing that helps me with my diet is....



Don't buy it. Just don't. Walk past that icecream aisle. Tell that white bread you're over him. Stick your nose in the air at those chips. I have learned that my self-control extends to the grocery store and that is all. Once it's in my house, all it takes is a couple of my kid's tantrums and I'm eating my frustration in the form of something that tastes like chocolate with peanut butter. When I'm in the grocery store, armed with a meal plan and a list, it's much easier to talk myself down.

Do buy a healthy substitute.This was key for me. It doesn't work to go home and just say, "No more bad food for me! My body is a temple!" You're going to get cravings because probably you are human, although I'm sure there is an evolved monkey or two reading this post. Try to figure out what you're craving, seek out alternatives, and then have those alternatives on hand. You can go a long long way with small changes and that's the perfect place to start. First, try something like changing out your white bread for brown. Figure out what veggies you like and reach for those instead of a bagel. Switch out your regular milk for less fatty almond milk in your coffee. The little changes are easier to maintain and come as a habit. Extremes might work for a short time but they never hold in the long run (I could do another whole post about Why I Don't Do Cleanses or Diets, but I'll stop now.)



I could talk about this all day but I think that's enough for one sitting. I will do a post of more concrete snack ideas sometime and I'll keep posting tips and updates. This kind of thing was very helpful to me so hopefully this was encouraging to someone! It's a long and often difficult road to making a lifestyle change but it's so very worth it.

New Year New Sass-Level

You're probably thinking that New Year's resolutions are stupid and cliche and I would completely agree with you. I don't know what came over me at 10:40 on a Friday night. I thought, "hey Tara, you know what would make you even more ridiculously cool? If you made one of those lists you love so much. You know, the ones where you plan out your life!" I said to myself, "planning, lists, more sleep deprivation...who could resist?"



So here I am, six New Year's Resolutions later. I am trying to recall what my resolutions were last year and the ones that I do remember, I am proud to say that I actually kept. I mean, I think so. Hopefully remembering things wasn't on the list. I figure it's a good thing I'm writing these down this year to have some accountability.

How did you know, Great Wise Fortune Cookie?!

The theme for this year is going to be The Abels Gonna Do What the Abels Gonna Do. I have noticed lately how much time and worry I have invested in thinking about what everyone else is doing, how great all of their decisions look, and how they might be feeling about my life. Isn't that crazy? My entire life I dreamed of the day where I could make my own decisions and stick my tongue out at whoever said anything about it! I wouldn't say that I necessarily even consider it in my actual decision-making process but I sure do spend way too much time thinking about how I will defend or explain my decisions to others even though, as a chronic over-thinker, I have put a great deal of thought into any conclusion I've arrived at. Trust me, I have already sat there and picked even the most carefully crafted decisions apart like a cheese-string (but not like the characters they boast on the package. I can never figure those out!) As it turns out, making your own decisions is one of the most difficult things about motherhood or adulthood. There is no one to pat you on the back and say, "oh boy! That was a really great decision! 10 points for Griffindor!" It's mucho confusing and silly to look at a family and think, "those kids are so calm and never whine. Maybe I should parent more like that mom!" Or, "man, that exact sequence of perfect decisions really worked out well for her! I should try that." Pair thoughts like that with this laughable desire to please people (actually, I think it's the desire to avoid criticism because I hate it so! Being right all the time is so much more fun) by living up to some impossible standard where you're everything to everybody and you have an anxiety attack to call your own! The realization that this is impossible is far from new but I think I haven't really had the guts to put a stop to it in my own life before. I'm sick of the self-doubt, the stress over every little decision, the worrying about how people will view me. It pains me to admit that I was even doing that but if I'm honest with myself, I was. Enough of that. I've worked way too hard to become independent for this and twelve-year-old-Tara would be ashamed of me! This year, I'm going to do what I believe to be best for my family and myself and you know what? Maybe sometimes I will be wrong. That's ok! Alright, it's not really ok but I need to learn to deal with imperfection or failed plans. Something not working out is better than never trying out of fear, worry, or being a little too comfortable. So, talk away, people! I will be the first to tell you that Tara Abel is crazy, sassy, stubborn, and not going to listen to a word you say.



This year I will try to:

1) Start getting up before the kids to workout and shower.

This is a most unfortunate thing that needs to happen. Waking up is one of the world's worst evils, especially when you've stayed up way too late to try to experience the long-lost art of silence and then didn't get anything close to a quality sleep because Clementine. However, if I want to break my lazy cycle before TLC sends me an invitation to be on my own show, 19 Unnecessary Snacks and Counting, I need to make sure I'm fitting my workouts in. I envision this as me, opening wide the double doors to my room, showered and in one of those trendy crop-tops all the fourteen year olds are wearing (?!?!?!) that will show off my abs of steel, as little birds flutter around my head while I sing out, "Good morning, sweet darlings!" This will be a big improvement to being woken up to a small baby repeatedly slapping my face, while Theo whispers loudly through my bedroom door about how hungry he is to the background soundtrack of Lu wailing about how the snow is preventing her from wearing her bathing suit to church.



2) Make family time, dates, and friends a priority.

Life gets busy but we should never be too busy for this. Keeping Friday nights as our usual family night was working really well for us. We just need to find some sort of routine to keep up our kid-dates and couple dates.



3) Figure out what I'm doing in regards to going back to school and where I want that to take me.

This is too complicated to even get into but basically it's happening in some way, shape, or form. Just try and stop me, Life's Million Obstacles.



4) Less complaining and being negative.

Sometimes I'm listening to someone talk and I'm thinking, jeez, what is your problem? You sound like a cow. That someone is me. I seem to always be able to find something to whine about and it's ridiculous. I try to always be honest but, when someone asks how I am, it's ok to say that I'm doing pretty well instead of "WELL, LET ME TELL YOU!" There are so many bigger problems in the world than who cut me off in traffic or how my children can only ever find pants with holes in them. Sometimes this negative whining is about other people - even if it's just in my head - and I want to cut that out too. People are doing the best they can and the way they go about that is not always going to be the way that I would. End of story. I'm pretty sure this was one of my resolutions last year and while I can say that I have improved, I'm definitely not cured yet. Get it together, Tara.

Look at those poor children, playing on their own!

5) Play with the kids for half an hour every day.

People without kids and super mothers are probably gasping and wondering what I do all day that this needs to become a resolution. Mothers like me, however, know how tough this can be between ballet and school and dinner and diapers and cleaning bathtubs (ok, ha, you got me. Like I ever get around to the bathtubs...). I've been getting better at this but I want it to be a concrete habit by the end of the year.



6) Pray the rosary once a week

Last year, I was determined to start actually praying every day. I know, to all you saints out there, this probably sounds like some sort of joke but it was truly something I had to really work at. I set alarms on my phone for a while and everything! I would have all these grand notions of sitting in silent meditation for hours on end and - surprise! - that never happened. I finally had to realize that there was not going to be this perfect moment and that I just had to start somewhere. For me, it was before bed. Nothing elaborate but because I started simply, it's become an actual habit that I can now build on. So, here we go!



No New Year's post would be complete without me obnoxiously signing off with NEW YEAR NEW ME, BABY! xxxooo mwah mwah mwah. For real though, I hope you had a great weekend, everyone.



P.S. If you want to listen to something that makes you holler out-loud to yourself in your kitchen, "Yeah! That's right! Do what's best for your own family!" take a listen to this episode of the wonderful Fountains of Carrots podcast.